Stuffed With Emptiness: Pizza In A Car

by tinareale on November 22, 2011

I feel strongly about bringing more awareness to the struggles of binge eating. The “Stuffed With Emptiness” series delves into details and thoughts of significant moments of my journey. If this topic could be triggering to your own thoughts and experience in any way, please read with caution or wait to visit FFF later.

Catch Up With Previous Stuffed With Emptiness Posts:

THE PIZZA IN THE CAR EPISODE

A little over two weeks had passed since my first binge. I regained the illusion of control over my food and the memories of hiding Pop Tart wrappers in the trash had faded away to the recesses of my mind. I approached a special weekend and only had that on my mind.

I quickly readied myself for the weekend, prideful and, at the same time, ashamed of what I saw in the mirror. I always wanted a body that would impress Bryan*. Would it be enough? Our years of on-again, off-again back and forth weighed on me emotionally and I just wanted to win him over.

This weekend will be my chance. The distance and hectic schedules won’t matter anymore. He will want me enough to make full time for our relationship. I just know this weekend can change everything.

The weekend went as expected – like a shot of heroin into each others’ blood streams – completely wrapped up in each other in an addictive, obsessive way…only to come crashing down to pain at the end.

sweq2

On my drive home that Sunday afternoon tears welled up in my eyes. I knew our little cat-and-mouse games would return – him only wanting me when I distanced myself. Yet I knew I would continue pouring myself out to him, giving him all the control.The undeniable realization washed over me: I would never reach the point of a priority in his life. The surge of emotions swallowed me whole….and I didn’t want to let them out.

As the natural course of my thoughts played out on the two hour drive home, I thought of what I deemed as my failures of the weekend. A dinner out where I ate a few slices of pizza entrapped my thoughts. I could not shake the image of eating pizza from my mind.

Suddenly, I found myself parked in front of the $5 large cheese pizza carry out place near my house. I ordered quickly, fighting back the tears. I kindly smiled through the anger as I thanked the man for my pizza, then rushed out to my car. I pulled around to a vacant corner of the large shopping center parking lot, peeling my eye’s for my mom’s car since she regularly frequented the area.

sweq1

I opened the box and pulled a cheesy, greasy, sub-par pizza slice to my lips. I took a bite. A large bite. I kept biting until I could barely fill my mouth anymore. I was almost choking between the sobbing and the chewing. But I couldn’t stop until the entire large pizza had vanished as if into thin air.

I zeroed in on the pizza. I could see nothing else. I could only feel hot grease sliding down my throat, instead of the bile of fear rising up. I could deal with the physical pain of an overfilled stomach, because it helped me avoid the emotional pain of once again not measuring up.

My mind had twisted my actions into a way to show Bryan I didn’t care that he didn’t value me enough. I could do what I wanted and eat an entire large pizza if so desired. Screw trying to please him.

sweq3

In reality, I too didn’t value myself enough. From that moment on, food became the way to stuff down and hide that painful truth. I was unwanted.

Unlovable. By my father. By my boyfriend. By my friends – or lack thereof. By myself.

I left thinking the weekend would change everything. I was right…just not in the way I had imagined.

Have you ever tried to determine your worth based on someone else?

{ 5 comments }

1 Rianna February 14, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Again I relate. But for me this is a now a frigging nightly occurrence. That is what concerns me most and makes me feel awful about myself. Nightly. I’ve never met any others who have done it nightly. Others do it occasionally or I find they’ve barely eaten all day anyway or they eat a few extra crackers and think the world will end (I’m not negating that…but in my case I do eat a lot during the day, I binge on a heck of a lot more than crackers, and I don’t exercise. ) . Do you know of other bloggers like you that have overcome or are still dealing with this? Finding and relating to others brings a bit of calm you know?

2 Dee January 12, 2013 at 12:13 pm

I still feel unloveable – actually I am :(

3 AL April 11, 2013 at 8:28 pm

O M Word…. this is me so much. Even after bypass surgery and 185lbs lost. Even after triathlons and 15ks. This is me.

wow

4 Brenda Zamudio December 26, 2013 at 1:38 am

I totally get your binge eating. Have been, and still am a binger. Feel like I should go to a meeting and pick up a white chip or something. “My name if Brenda, and I am a binger”. It is so true what you say about your emotions and food. Thank you for your openness.

5 Tina December 26, 2013 at 8:44 am

Know that you’re not alone and that the binges do not define you. I wish you the best and I’m always an email away. Hugs.

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: