Good morning and happy Thursday to you. I hope the day is kicking off better for you than it did for me. I went to bed feeling pretty ill last night and woke up today, albeit feeling better than last night, with an achy head and a pretty sore throat. Seems there is something going around these parts lately. Blech.
Now, time to celebrate. I have a special thing to celebrate this week. No, not a wedding anniversary. No, not a birthday. No, not of Best Body Fitness (although it has been almost a year since kicking this site off). Something completely different. So, what is there to celebrate?
An anniversary of 3 years since I last had a full-fledged binge. Celebrate!
And what better way to celebrate than with a blow up guitar and Elvis mask, no? Ahem.
Three years. I can still remember it all. I had actually already spent the previous couple of years making progress with my binge eating habits through my pregnancy and early months with Makenzie. I had found a place of balance. Then, I went after my big goal at that time of doing a fitness competition.
I’m still so glad I did that, but the diet definitely wasn’t safe for me and led to a lot of my previous struggles around food. I binged on occasion during my prep because of the restriction, but it was pretty few and far between. Then, when the show ended and I had that “freedom” again, I went a little crazy. Okay, a lot crazy. I spent an entire week (this week 3 years ago) eating to the extremes that I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. Every day of that week, eating way past discomfort and still not stopping. We’re talking full sized Halloween bags (yes, plural) of candy, dozens of doughnuts, boxes of cookies, and more that I can’t even remember. Then, still asking Peter to go out to dinner for pizza, burgers, etc at night (which we did).
I think what broke my heart the most was knowing how far I had come and then feeling like I was going right back and losing all the fight I had given previously. That I couldn’t truly change and that there was simply NO hope. That it was just who I was. A binge eater. And I would have to live with hating myself for it forever.
It feared me to see how easily it all came back – the hiding, the lying, the lack of control, the self loathing.
That Sunday at church I found myself locked in a bathroom crying my eyes out wanting freedom from this.
I find God’s sense of humor pretty amazing. Three years later the messages from my new church and pastor, Andy Stanley, leading up to this anniversary week covered the same sort of topic.
And that the message still applies (click image to go to messages/podcasts/videos/etc).
It’s STILL what helps me be free from binge eating.
I won’t lie and say I have never struggled. Oh, I have struggled a lot over the past three years. I still have occasions where I emotionally eat – but not to the point of sick numbness that defined my binge eating. I still have occasions where I get down on myself. I still have to forgive myself for the occasional times I allow old triggers back into my life and the slippery slope I know they can lead to if I don’t remain aware. Those buggers will find any way to claw back in to a life.
Despite that, I’m still free.
I know I’m still free because I know that the binge eating was not, and IS NOT, me. It’s NOT ME. That change in mindset helped set me on a path to overcoming this immense battle back then and it keeps me enduring now and after every time I feel myself start to slip.
I would say I’m pretty dang proud to have made it this far. I’m not, though. I’m humbled to have a God that loves me enough to have set me free to allow me to make it this far in His strength. I couldn’t have done it. I tried for years and couldn’t do it. Yet, I can still stand victorious today thanks to His grace.
Today, I just want to celebrate that victory. It’s a victory you can have too…no matter what your struggle.
Your Turn – What’s the last accomplishment you celebrated?
*Note: I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot express enough how powerful the message series I have linked above is. If you deal with ANY sort of struggle that holds you back in enjoying life, I highly encourage you to listen to the messages.