As you can imagine, this week has taken me through many low moments. I have missed Roxy. Immensely. Those who know me, know my grief. They also know the incredible guilt that I have yet to shake.
I may not have expressed those emotions well here, quite simply because I couldn’t grasp them when I sat down to write on Tuesday morning. I was overwhelmed with sadness and guilt. Yet, I write when I have emotions spilling over inside of my mind and heart. So, I wrote – choosing to focus on what I could grasp at that moment. I couldn’t yet wrap my mind around the fact that Roxy was gone. I was very upset with myself for allowing such trivial things to affect my attitude the previous day when little did I know the TRUE pain and heartache I would experience. I was (and still am) heartbroken.
I did what I felt I needed to at that time. I turned to those I consider my friends – including those of you who read this blog and I knew would share in my need to express (albeit very poorly, I see now) the pain I was feeling. To have a shoulder on which to lean via the people here.
Today, I wish to write a journal of gratitude to share some final thoughts for Roxy before doing my best to move this blog away from this topic and continue grieving on my own time. I also want to say a special thank you to those of you who know the person I am and have shown that care and respect.
I am thankful for my mom who has spent much time on the phone with me providing her love by just sitting there listening to me cry and even crying with me.
I am thankful for my sister who tries to help me laugh because Makenzie was worried about mommy being sad.
I am thankful for my friends who immediately respond to lift my family and dear Roxy up in prayer as we process the emotions and to help to ease my guilt as well as any guilt the person who hit Roxy and left her on the side of the road may be feeling.
I am thankful to the kind woman who called us when she found Roxy and showed nothing but gentleness and love to our family.
I am thankful for these people that know me.
That know that when I was writing that blog post it was NOT for blog content, sympathy comments, or page views. Those that know I simply wrote to help myself emotionally process and to share with loved ones (because I do view the people of this blog as true friends and loved ones).
I am thankful for those that know I didn’t just shrug my shoulders when Roxy got out and went about my business. That know the true scenario was Roxy was on our closed deck enjoying a mild, mostly sunny afternoon when I took Makenzie to gymnastics. Since it started raining on my way home, the first thing I immediately did when getting in the house with the kids was to go bring Roxy in. I had forgotten to shut the garage door and Braedon was playing down the hall with the screen door out to the garage and it had opened. Roxy got out. I DID CHASE AFTER HER up over the hill of our driveway and partly down our street where I SAW HER turn down to my in-laws’ house. I COULD NOT keep chasing her because I had TWO CHILDREN I could not leave alone. So, I considered the fact that my husband was very close to being home and he said he would go get her. Yes, I stayed home with my two kids while my husband was out searching. It was not a case of “Oh she’s gone. Oh well.” and I’m thankful for those who know that I would never have that kind of heart towards a part of our family.
I still made a mistake in not going regardless of those things. I feel extreme guilt that perhaps those few minutes could have made a difference or that I should have done more. I have to live with that. Quite honestly, I don’t know if that guilt will ever completely diminish when I think of Roxy. Yet, I’m thankful for those who offer love to walk through those emotions with me and remind me of the truth that I cannot live shrouded in that guilt – which is why I have done my best to go on with things as normal as possible. For my kids and because it helps me cope. I’m thankful for those who recognize that in me. Who know who I truly am and will be there for me and with me.
I thank God for his grace and forgiveness and mercy for those times I know I could have done better and that I don’t have to allow that guilt to define me. With prayer, I’m working through that.
Most of all, though, I want to say a special thank you to Roxy. Thank you for for being such a sweet companion over the past almost 5.5 years. I remember the joy I felt when Peter surprised me with you for my birthday shortly after we got married and moved in together. I remember your boundless energy as we pounced and rolled around on the floor together. Over the years, I thank you for the numerous walks you accompanied us on and the snuggles at my feet or the nuzzles at my hand as I would pet you while doing work. I thank you for the fact that you would look out for the kids and bark if anyone came close to them…even though I know they scared you with their loud noises and not so gentle petting. You were always such a gentle, loving dog and it pains me to not have you here anymore. I love you, Roxy. I miss you.