Warning. Heavy post ahead. I debated getting into this in a blog post, but when I have such things running through my head it is in my nature to share. So share I will.
Do you ever feel like the world (or, in my opinion, God) is just speaking to you? You can’t seem to escape a particular message no matter which way you turn? Everything points to one direction and no matter how you fight it or think otherwise, you eventually recognize that you have to follow? That it’s the only way?
So. Happening. Now.
The message for me?
Slow down. Re-prioritize. Re-focus.
“Walk with me by my path and not your own”.
In other words, stop being so stubborn and thick-headed and let God lead me to the life of JOY I said I wanted. To that peace and hope and love that I so desire but always let slip through my fingers because I pile more and more pressure on myself. To stop letting the things that deeply matter not receive the attention they so deserve. To give myself the respect I also need.
I love the many things I do. They are all good things. But sometimes life, even the good things, grows bigger than we can handle. Bigger than I can handle. And I don’t want to half live my life.
I don’t want to be somewhat present with my kids. I want to be all the way present. I don’t want to spend time with my mom in passing or give her a call as an afterthought as I hustle to do XYZ, while she battles Multiple Sclerosis with some fierce relapses lately and tries to care for my grandfather. I don’t want to do a half-assed job at one or the other with the quality and attention I give to certain aspects of my work. I want to live fully and live well.
The things I have done all bring joy individually, but collectively I was backing myself into a very dark place with too many pressures, unrealistic expectations, and way too much stress. I was pushing myself to the edge of a cliff of emotional collapse. I was feeling the wispy curls of depression and anxiety graze my thoughts in an effort to eventually cloak them completely. I pressed on and ignored the warning signs.
This is a lesson I seem to have to learn numerous times. We all have them, don’t we? I tried to avoid the messages but they kept coming louder and clearer. And recently a few things really stuck out to me.
From the messages in my current small group study that touch about worry, fear, and doubt…
quote from book I needed to hear – “We can’t do it all. We aren’t even supposed to try to do it all. That is not God’s will for our lives.” Uhh, hello?!
…to the sermons in church about overloaded schedules and excess pressure we place in our lives.
Seriously watch this no matter your beliefs. It applies to everyone and number 4 hit me like a ton of bricks!
I guess eventually it sunk in that if I want to live that resolution of JOY and not allow the anxiety and emotional pains to worsen, then I have to change things. I’m human and I make mistakes. The only way I can make these changes is to align my daily steps with His will.
In this, I’m having to rework my schedule and the time I give things. A large portion of that including changes to the time I give my personal passions in this blog and the fitness portion of my site. I’m going to cut back on how often I blog and focus solely on Best Body Bootcamp instead of it and personal plans as I had done before. The changes scare me, but mostly it pains me because I love it all so much. Of course, though, I love my family more. And myself. I have to find that balance to be there for my family when they need me most and also to give my mind the peace it needs.
It may have taken a few solid months of the same message time and time again…but I’m listening now. I’m yours, God. You lead the way.
And just because…a few positive messages on life.